100 Things I Will Not Do or Say At Hogwarts
by MovesLikeHummel
Summary: Well, I think the title says it all. But this is my very own list of things I must refuse the urge to do while at Hogwarts. Enjoy!


So, here is my very own list of 100 things I will not say or do at Hogwarts. If I was a student at Hogwarts, I would have to constantly have something to remind me not to do all these things. lol. Thanks to Black Wolf-Dog for having a few laughs with me and inspiring a few of these. A lot of them maybe be inside jokes, but you may still find them funny. Anyway, on with the list! Oh, and reviews are always nice!!

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100. I will not walk up to Pansy Parkinson and stick a piece of chewed gum on her nose and tell her she looks good with a nose ring.

99. I will not walk into the trophy room and stare while saying, "Look at all the shiny things."

98. I will not walk up to Professor Snape during Double Potions and ask, "Boxers or briefs?"

97. I will not stare longingly at Professor Dumbledore during dinner.

96. I will not ask Professor McGonagall if she shops as Victoria's Secret to impress Albus.

95. I will not tell Draco Malfoy that he and Professor Trelawney really _would_ make a cute couple

94. I will not try and give Neville the wrong password to the Gryffindor common room

93. I will not purposefully faint in Care of Magical Creatures class just so Hagrid will carry me to the castle.

92. I will not run around the castle singing Broadway show tunes dedicated to my favorite male teachers.

91. I will not trip and fall into Professor Snape's arms and say, "My, my Severus is that your wand or are you happy to see me?"

90. I will not ask Professor Flitwick to where a codpiece for a day because Hermione Granger said he'd look totally sexy if he did.

89. I will not walk over to the Slytherin table and ask Draco if he is as good as his dad.

88. I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Loogius".

87. I will not lick Professor Snape's Dark Mark, no matter how sexy it may be.

86. I will not tell the Fat Lady that Sirius Black says hi.

85. I will not dance the robot during divination.

84. I will not spread the rumor that I heard from Pansy who heard from some Ravenclaw girl who heard from Cho who heard from Luna who heard from Ginny who heard from Lavender who heard from her cousin's step sister's great- great aunt twice removed that Tom Riddle once was a good shag, before he got all snake like and stuff.

83. I will not walk up to Professor Snape on his birthday and say, "I didn't know if you wanted the thong or the bikini, so I got both."

82. I will not ask Professor Lupin if his "furry little problem" has something to do with…you know…_down there_.

81. I will not ask Cho if her parents accidently sneezed when they named her.

80. I will not try and single handedly solve house rivalries.

79. I will not walk into the common room and shout, "HARRY POTTER LOVES DRACO MALFOY AND HE TOLD ME SO!!"

78. I will not tell Harry not to name his kid Albus Severus.

77. I will not say loudly so that Professor Snape can hear, "Whoever this Half-Blood Prince guy was, I'd like to meet him because he sounds really really _HOT_!!"

76. I will not poor a goblet of pumpkin juice over my head because it just isn't acceptable behavior.

75. I will not let it slip that Professor Snape is ticklish because I would have a hard time explaining how I know.

74. I will not take Harry's invisibility cloak and randomly cover people and start shouting "OMG WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU GO?"

73. I will not teach the first years "Lumos" and tell them to start waving it back and forth slowly above their heads during Professor Snape's usual start of term speech.

72. I will not tell Ron he is the Candyman.

71. I will not sing the Barbie song whenever Luna Lovegood walks by.

70. I will not under any circumstances tell Hagrid he really needs to get laid.

69. I will not draw designs on my skin and say, "Look everyone, I've got a scar too!"

68. I will not hang a "do not disturb" on the gargoyle outside Dumbledore's office.

67. I will not gift a subscription to every wizard porn magazine there is to Neville and tell him to "live a little".

66. I will not ask Professor Snape to dance with me at the Yule Ball, because no matter how many times I do, he always will say no.

65. I will not try to pay the house elves for their services.

64. I will not ask all the male teachers how long their wands are.

63. I will not ask Crabbe and Goyle to spell Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

62. I will not burst into tears every time Draco enters the room.

61. I will not snicker impolitely whenever somebody walks by.

60. I will not use a 72 hour sticking solution and put toilet paper on Professor Snape's shoe, and then proceed to ask him how it got there and why he hasn't pulled it off yet.

59. I will not laugh hysterically when he tries to pull off said toilet paper.

58. I will not announce to Professor Lupin, "Oh yes, I like 'em ruff."

57. I will not call Professor Umbridge nicknames such as "Build-a-bridge", "Suspension Bridge", and "Pig Face".

56. I will not tell the first years that rats are in during cat season.

55. I will not march up to Professor Snape during breakfast and tell him that last night was wonderful and that I'd like to do it again.

54. I will not place a rat in a cat trap and wait for Mrs. Norris to approach before throwing the invisibility cloak over it and yelling, "You can't see it!"

53. I will not tell Harry he looks like his mother and has his father's eyes.

52. I will not read a NC-17 rated Marriage Law fanfic during Potions class and laugh during every shag scene.

51. I will not write "Professor Mickgoonagill" on a poster and post it in the transfiguration classroom.

50. I will not go to the bathroom door and write "wo" before the word men on all the men's bathroom doors.

49. I will not tell all the teachers that they all look like famous muggle actors.

48. I will not write "mine" on everything that isn't mine.

47. I will not raise my hand during Double Potions with Slytherins and tell Professor Snape that I appreciated him lending me his shoulder to cry on.

46. I will not make a list of all the best shags in the school and post in on the walls.

45. I will not steel Luna Lovegood's shoes.

44. I will not push Draco Malfoy in front of me if I mock a hippogriff.

43. I will not mock a hippogriff.

42. I will not call Ron, "Won-Won" because I know that it irks just about every female in Gryffindor.

41. I will not slip a lust potion into Professor Snape's morning tea.

40. I will not state loudly in the great hall that I enjoy riding Harry's "broomstick".

39. I will not try to hook up Crookshanks and Mrs. Norris.

38. I will not challenge Professor McGonagall to a mud wrestling match because I saw her looking at Professor Snape.

37. I will not conjure a snake out of nowhere during a duel, because seriously that is the lamest spell ever.

36. I will not charm Hermione's hairbrush to cling to her hair and not let go.

35. I will not charm the girl's dormitories to only open for boys, but put a no boys allowed sign above the door.

34. I will not charm the boy's dormitories to only open for girls and put a no boys allowed sign above the door.

33. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Professor Snape when the last time he got laid was.

32. I will not buy Professor Flitwick a pair of stilts for Christmas.

31. I will not try to cut Dumbledore's hair. He prefers it hippy style.

30. I will not question the teacher's judgment when they deal out detention, because unfortunately that only makes them give you more detention.

29. I will not complain about the house elves cooking.

28. I will not prance around yelling, "Wizard rule, muggles drool!" because the muggleborns may take offense.

27. I will not test Amortentia on Professor Snape.

26. I will not make Amortentia in my spare time.

25. I will not start wandering around the common room saying, "What is that mysterious ticking noise?"

24. I will not tell everyone that I once read a muggle book where all the characters looked and acted similar to everyone at Hogwarts.

23. I will not call Tonks "Nymphie".

22. I will not tell everyone that Harry and Mad-Eye Moody were involved.

21. I will not question the use of every potion we make in potions class.

20. I will not add random ingredients to potion just because I like to watch things explode.

19. I will not annoyingly ask, "Why?" after everything Professor Snape says.

18. I will not call Neville a sheep.

17. I will not where a hat with a vulture on it around the castle.

16. I will not transfigure a goblet into a rat and give it to Professor McGonagall as a birthday present.

15. I will not let it slip that Sirius Black is an unregistered animagus because that is just not funny.

14. I will not call Dumbledore, "Albutt Dumblecrack."

13. I will not let it slip that Harry's secret nickname is "Roonil Wazlib".

12. I will not insult Professor Snape's intelligence.

11. I will not, ever, never ever call Mr. Filch, "love".

10. I will not walk up to Ginny and tell her it's not ok to snog Dean Thomas.

9. I will not tell Lavender she has a poor taste in men.

8. I will not feed Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes to the owls before they deliver the mail.

7. I will not start a club that has "army" in the name because people always get the wrong impression when they hear the word army.

6. I will not switch my essay with Hermione's just so I can say that I'm smart.

5. I will not write "I am so smrt" on Harry's Potions textbook.

4. I will not switch books in the restricted section with books not in the restricted section.

3. I will not laugh hysterically when Ron and Hermione announce that they are dating.

2. I will not throw the lemon drops Professor Dumbledore offers me at his face.

1. I will not, under ANY circumstances, run up to Professor Snape in the Great Hall and pinch his cheeks while saying, "OH Sevy Wevypoo you are sooooooooo cute!!"


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